Which Family Rules and for Whom?

Many families have rules. Some have a lot and others don’t find the necessity. The reason why they have it is to strengthen the relationship and know the limits that are acceptable. There are many theories on the family structures there might be. A theory is an attempt to explain phenomena. We theorize when we want to know the “why’s” or try to predict the future outcomes.

First is the Family Systems theory. Some systems work better for a family than others. The main idea of this theory is the importance for the parents to be partners and work as a team. Children have to notice that mom and dad are the executive figures in the family. There is separation between the members if, for example, one of the parents is completely focused on the kids. Partners should have a connection with each other along with the children.

Exchange theory is when we want to receive as much as we put in. No matter how selfless we are, we want to have any sort of reward – or show of appreciation – for our work. That reminds me of an advice that my husband and I received in the beginning of our marriage. We were told that it is not 50/50 effort, but 100/100 percent effort in the relationship. If one works harder, various conflicts or misunderstandings may occur. This also involves communication where partners, or family members, share their certain expectations.

That leads to the Symbolic Interaction theory which is “you cannot not communicate.” Many people make assumptions that the other has to read their minds. This rule seems obvious, yet many still stumble. In fact, I did too. There would be instances where I would get unhappy just because I thought the other person already knew about my concerns. I had to learn that communication is key and a peacemaker in any family. I always looked up to my parents when it came to communication. Whenever there was a disagreement, my mom and dad would sit together or with one of their children and talk through the situation. That taught me that no matter what, sharing thoughts respectfully can bring various solutions to the situation.

There was an interesting discussion last week in my Family Relations class. Many students shared the unusual rules that their family has. Some talked about curfews, or who eats first during dinner, where they are allowed to drive, or what are the expectations during Sabbath day. Some I could relate to, such as coming home at a certain hour, and others I never even heard of! I thought it was quite funny when everyone agreed on “the look” that our parents have whenever we were in trouble; I can be guilty of that with my big sister calling.

Additionally, a lot have shared that those rules change for every child. Moreover, the order of children matters. The majority said that the oldest had the most rules and the youngest could get away with the most. Seeing how it is in different families and my own – I’m curious if that tradition, or trend, will continue with my children as well.

In fact, this leads to the next point of discussion – will we keep our family rules when we step into parenthood as well. There were several students that shared things like, “I will never have that rule in my own household.” I definitely had those thoughts as well until I moved out of the house. Different rules become our “normal.” It becomes our comfort zone. And we begin to interpret them into our live unintentionally.